WEDDING NOTES™ - Prepare Your Itinerary

It's hard to believe but it's finally here!  Your wedding day.   You've been knee deep in plans for what seems like months, but you've done it right.  You've kept flawless notes on all decisions you've made.  You've checked and double checked vendors, your guest count is in and all systems are go.  The one final thing you really must do is lay out your Wedding Day Itinerary.  Who is doing what, where and when?

Here are some suggestions for creating that itinerary.

• ·         Begin with the start times you know.  You know when the ceremony is to start and you know when the reception is scheduled.  Plug those times in and work forward and backward as you fill in the schedule.

• ·         Confirm those set up and start times with each of your vendors.

• ·         Schedule departure and arrival times for each venue being sure to include estimated travel times.

• ·         Schedule any pre-ceremony events like hair, makeup and photo sessions.

• ·         If yours is a formal reception, confirm and review the timing for the formalities planned - the grand entrance, toasts, first dance, cake cutting etc. with the location manager and the music or master of ceremonies you've engaged.

• ·         Double check with the florist on delivery and set up times you've arranged.  Make sure they have given you back up phone numbers in case of emergency.

• ·         Make sure that every vendor has contact names and phone numbers for you, or your parents and/or the reception hosts.

• ·         Make sure that you have contact names and phone numbers for each and every vendor servicing your wedding.  Note their appointed delivery times and places and entrust this information to your personal attendant, or wedding coordinator.

• ·         Make sure that the photographer(s) with whom you've contracted know where they are to be and at what time.  Get their mobile phone numbers so you can maintain contact with them before and during the events.  Make sure they have a copy of the names of those people you want in family photos.  If the photographer doesn't have an assistant, ask one of your cousins or close friends to act in that capacity.

• ·         RELAX - you've done your best.  You've covered all bases.  Enjoy your day.  It is the first day of the rest of your life together.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Gown Questions

The bridal gown is the most important piece of clothing most women will ever purchase.  For some, the task becomes all consuming and can go on for weeks.  Other bride-to-be go to one store whose reputation they know, try on a few different looks and settle on THE DRESS in one visit.  Whatever your shopping style, here are some guidelines to keep in mind.

• ·         Have a strong sense of the degree of formality you want your wedding to have.  That will drive your gown selection.

• ·         Plan to start shopping for your wedding gown around 6-8 months in advance of your date.  This should also sufficient time for making your selection, getting it ordered, and arranging for any alterations that may ultimately be required.

• ·         Order it no later than 6 months before the wedding.  Since it sets the tone of the ceremony, it will be good to have that decision made.  You can then proceed with bridesmaid and mothers gowns.  You'll have swatches for the florist too.

• ·         When you go gown shopping wear proper undergarments, shoes in the height you plan to wear and any family heirloom jewelry that is a "must wear" for you.

• ·         Do not be tempted to invite every woman you know to go gown shopping with you.  Descending on a bridal shop with a dozen of your "near and dear" is a huge mistake.  Take your mom and maybe one good friend whose opinion you value.  This is a personal decision - not a gang vote.  Besides, what bride wants the world to know about her dress before she walks down the aisle in it?

• ·         Be open to the use of color in wedding gowns.  Ivory tones are spectacular on certain complexions and pale blush or pastel trims can make your gown choice truly unique.

• ·         Why might I need alterations?  Virtually every gown will require some adjustment to insure a perfect fit.  You may need hem length adjustments or neckline tucks.  Some modest changes can make your gown uniquely yours.  Plan ahead.

• ·         Work with your consultant.  She knows her merchandise very well and can be a helpful advisor as she shows you various styles and silhouettes.  She knows her business and her business is helping you have the gown you want for your wedding day.

WEDDING NOTES™ - What Makes a Wedding Semi Formal? Informal?

These are the traditional guidelines for a semiformal wedding.  As with the term formal, knowing the guidelines helps to influence all other planning decisions.  But know also, that many brides combine these guidelines and some use the "menu" approach and take one from column A and one from column B.  Today's couples are truly more focused on how they want their wedding to look and be remembered.

With that in mind, understand that today's couples are also focused on creating an event that is unique to them and as such may pick and choose from the traditional guidelines.

If you are planning a semi formal wedding, you will likely follow these guidelines.

• ·         The ceremony will be held in a church, synagogue, private home or outdoors.

• ·         The reception will be held at a ceremony location, a club, garden, restaurant, hotel or home.

• ·         There will be fewer than 100 guests

• ·         Invitations may be printed with traditional or personalized wording.

• ·         The bride will wear a floor-length or cocktail-length gown with a veil or hat.

• ·         The groom will wear a tuxedo or suit and tie.  HIs attendants will match.

• ·         Bride and groom each have between one and three attendants.

• ·         Bridesmaids wear matching gowns the same length as the bride.

• ·         Guests wear evening or business dress.

• ·         Reception meal can be anything from a sit-down dinner to buffet or light refreshments

• ·         Live music or disc jockey

• ·         Modest or scaled- down floral arrangements and event design.

If you are planning an informal wedding, the following guidelines will be helpful.

• ·         Daytime ceremonies held at a home, community center, hotel or in judge's chambers

• ·         Fewer than 50 guests

• ·         Printed or hand-written invitations with personalized wording.

• ·         The bride will wear a simple gown, suit or cocktail-length dress with no veil or train.

• ·         The groom will wear a dark business suit and tie.

• ·         Bride and groom each have one attendant

• ·         Maid of honor wears a street-length dress and best man wears a suit and tie.

• ·         Reception usually held at a home, ceremony site, or a restaurant.

• ·         A simple meal or light refreshments are served.

• ·         Floral designs are simple and understated.

WEDDING NOTES™ - What Makes a Wedding Semi Formal? Informal?

These are the traditional guidelines for a semiformal wedding.  As with the term formal, knowing the guidelines helps to influence all other planning decisions.  But know also, that many brides combine these guidelines and some use the "menu" approach and take one from column A and one from column B.  Today's couples are truly more focused on how they want their wedding to look and be remembered.

With that in mind, understand that today's couples are also focused on creating an event that is unique to them and as such may pick and choose from the traditional guidelines.

If you are planning a semi formal wedding, you will likely follow these guidelines.

• ·         The ceremony will be held in a church, synagogue, private home or outdoors.

• ·         The reception will be held at a ceremony location, a club, garden, restaurant, hotel or home.

• ·         There will be fewer than 100 guests

• ·         Invitations may be printed with traditional or personalized wording.

• ·         The bride will wear a floor-length or cocktail-length gown with a veil or hat.

• ·         The groom will wear a tuxedo or suit and tie.  HIs attendants will match.

• ·         Bride and groom each have between one and three attendants.

• ·         Bridesmaids wear matching gowns the same length as the bride.

• ·         Guests wear evening or business dress.

• ·         Reception meal can be anything from a sit-down dinner to buffet or light refreshments

• ·         Live music or disc jockey

• ·         Modest or scaled- down floral arrangements and event design.

If you are planning an informal wedding, the following guidelines will be helpful.

• ·         Daytime ceremonies held at a home, community center, hotel or in judge's chambers

• ·         Fewer than 50 guests

• ·         Printed or hand-written invitations with personalized wording.

• ·         The bride will wear a simple gown, suit or cocktail-length dress with no veil or train.

• ·         The groom will wear a dark business suit and tie.

• ·         Bride and groom each have one attendant

• ·         Maid of honor wears a street-length dress and best man wears a suit and tie.

• ·         Reception usually held at a home, ceremony site, or a restaurant.

• ·         A simple meal or light refreshments are served.

• ·         Floral designs are simple and understated.

WEDDING NOTES™ - What Makes a Wedding Formal?

One of the questions our consultants are frequently asked is "what does it mean that the wedding is formal or not?"  The easy answer is "whatever you want it to mean".  But that isn't the answer most brides want.  What follows are the criteria that have long been used to shape and define various weddings and degrees of formality.

FORMAL - These are the traditional guidelines for a formal wedding.

• ·         The ceremony is held in a church, synagogue, or luxury hotel

• ·         The reception is held in a luxury hotel, private club or private estate

• ·         There are 100 or more guests

• ·         Invitations are engraved with traditional wording

• ·         The bride wears a floor-length gown with a chapel- length or sweeping train, a veil that is at least fingertip length and gloves (now optional)

• ·         The groom wears a cutaway (before 6 pm) or white tie and tails (after 6 pm)

• ·         Bridesmaids wear floor- length gowns

• ·         Male attendants wear matching cutaways or tails.

• ·         Guests wear formal attire or evening wear

• ·         The reception features a sit-down dinner

• ·         There is live entertainment

• ·         There is elaborate floral and event design

• ·         There is luxury transportation.

Note:  One consultants who specializes in very formal weddings shares this distinction:  "Ultra formal weddings follow the same guidelines as formal weddings, but with a heightened sense of formality and drama...Expect that a very formal wedding would have 200 or more guests, between four and 10 or 12 attendants, and a white tie dress code.  The bride's gown as well the wedding party's attire, and the guests' should reflect this very formal style."

WEDDING NOTES™ - The Legalities to Remember

As lovely and personal and exciting this wedding is going to be, the wise couple remembers that it much more.  Your very personal and beautifully planned event is also a civil event in which a new legal entity is created.  There are a number of factors to consider once the bride and the groom are pronounced man and wife.

·         The prenuptial agreement- While it may not be romantic to consider one, there are circumstances in which a contract concerning expectations or property can be very helpful.  These agreements give the couple an opportunity to cover certain circumstances.  For example, it is a second marriage for both and each has children from a former marriage, an agreement might protect the rights of each partner's children, or the parents of the bride or the groom may be giving the couple a valuable antique.  The family may wish to have this heirloom remain in the family in the event of divorce.  A prenuptial agreement may state how you will handle savings or how household expenses will be shared.  Such agreements should be well thought out and reviewed by a lawyer, signed by both parties plus witnesses and notarized.

·         The marriage license -   Know that each state has its own requirements for blood tests, waiting time and age of consent , so do check with public officials for all the details.

·         The marriage certificate - Following your ceremony, your witnesses and the officiant (and in some states the bride and groom as well) will all sign the civil certificate.  Some couples may include the signing in their ceremony (a Quaker custom).  Your church or synagogue may also issue its own certificate.  Generally your officiant will file your marriage certificate with the proper authorities and you'll receive a copy some weeks later by mail.

·         Changing your name -Once married the bride can choose to use her husband's surname, continue to use her maiden name, or combine the two to suit the couple's choice.  If any change of name is done, you'll need to record than name change on all legal documents and papers.  Here are a few:

*Driver's license                        *Car Registration

*Passport                                 *Social Security card

*Insurance Policies                    *Will

*Voter Registration card            *Checking Account

*Savings Accounts                    *Credit Cards

*Stock Certificates                    *Employee I.D. cards

*Post Office

WEDDING NOTES™ - Showers

Bridal showers have a long tradition.  They are parties with a purpose!  They are given to help the couple outfit their new home or assemble a trousseau.  It is a vestige of the age-old dowry, or wealth which a woman brought to her marriage.  It is generally given by women who are good friends of the bride-to-be, sometimes by a relative or most often by the honor attendant or bridesmaids.  They may be given by relative of the groom's family and are a nice way for the bride-to-be to meet members of her new family.

While at one time showers were given to help the new couple furnish necessities, today's showers are given around a variety of themes.

·         Kitchen showers are probably the most popular because of the wide range of items that nearly every couple can use.  One variation on the kitchen theme asks each guest to bring a favorite recipe along with one item needed for its preparation (e.g., a flour sifter with a cake recipe).  Many hostesses sent out uniform recipe cards in advance so they can be assembled in an easy to use box or notebook.

·         For an around-the-clock shower, each guest is assigned an hour of the day and then brings a gift to match along with a note explaining why that gift was chosen.  There are many possibilities:  an alarm clock, coffee mugs, newspaper or magazine subscriptions, a casserole dish for dinner, a bottle of wine for the cocktail hour, comfy slippers for evening lounging.

·         A service shower is perfect for the couple that seems to have everything.  Guests pledge a way to help in the future - a catered dinner for two, an offer to paint the living room of the house they're redecorating, Saturday morning yard work, a weekend at a guest's lake cabin.

·         An office shower could be perfect for the woman with a busy career:  a leather-bound weekly planner for the home, engraved stationery,attache' case, books, gift certificate for a Kindle, a week's worth of dinners for two prepared, frozen and clearly marked.

·         Women only showers are naturals for lingerie, sewing accessories, closet and/or drawer organizers, gift certificates for beauty salon or masseuse services.

·         Couples showers suggest his-and-her tools for household maintenance, plants, wines/liquors, sporting goods and games.

WEDDING NOTES™ - What if IT is canceled?

No one wants to ever talk about the possibility of a wedding being canceled, but for a variety of reasons it can - and does - happen.  There are guidelines we can share with brides to handle this difficult time in as pleasant and civil manner as possible.  Everyone involved finds planning a joyful occasion but no one ever plans to cancel or postpone that event.  Our experienced consultants can ease the stress and guide your moves to handle the situation with dispatch.

If a formal wedding is postponed or canceled after the invitations have gone out, all invited guests must be notified as soon as possible.  When time permits, this is best done with printed cards, rush-ordered from your stationer.  Here are some samples:

·         If there has been a death in the family, the card would read:

Mrs. George Franklin Davis

regrets that the death of

Mr. Davis

obliges her to recall the invitations

to the wedding of her daughter

Saturday, the second of April

An invitation recalled in this manner just indicates that the wedding will not take place as originally planned.  It may take place as a small family ceremony since a large wedding may be considered inappropriate.  The couple may wear their formal attire but they will usually have honor attendants only.

·         If a wedding is postponed and a new date is set, new invitations may be sent out with this copy:

Mr. and Mrs. Douglas John Smith

announce that the marriage of their daughter

Carolyn Jane

to

Edward Patrick Murphy

has been postponed from

Saturday, the 11th of May

until

Saturday, the 25th of May

at four o'clock

Grace Presbyterian Church

Pleasantville

·         If the wedding is canceled, invitations need to be recalled promptly with an engraved or printed card which reads:

Mr. and Mrs. Calvin Benjamin Clark

announce that the marriage of their daughter

Eileen Marie

to

Harold Robert Smith

will not take place.

If time is short, invitations may be recalled by personal notes or phone calls.  Notes should be patterned after these formats and signed by the person issuing the invitations.   Phone calls should be made in the name of the bride's parents.  Reasons other than death or illness in the family are not usually mentioned.

·         What do I do with the gifts I have received?

When a wedding is merely postponed, send an announcement to all the guests, keeping the presents you've already received.  When a wedding is canceled, however, every gift - even those that have been monogrammed - must go back to the person who sent it.  A note expressing gratitude and explaining that the wedding will not take place should accompany the gift, but you do not need to give a reason for the cancellation.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Wedding Customs

We are frequently asked about the origin of many of the customs that are apart of today's weddings.

These customs make weddings unique and special and offer the comfort that comes from replicating many of the actions that generations have made traditions.

*Why a wedding ring?

The whole idea of a circular shape with no beginning and no end has been the symbol of unending love since the early Egyptians.  Early rings were made of hemp or braided rushes which had to be replaced frequently.  Early Romans made their rings out of iron which symbolized the durability of marriage.  Eventually, gold became the standard for wedding rings.  Today the symbolism remains while the ring itself may be made from silver or platinum or onyx in addition to gold.

*Why the third finger of the left hand?

The most widely accepted reason is that ancient peoples believed that the vein in the third finger of the left hand ran directly to the heart.  In the Middle Ages, during the ceremony, bridegrooms placed the ring on three of the brides’ fingers in turn to symbolize the Trinity.  The ring was left on the third finger and had become the tradition.  However, in some European countries, the wedding ring is worn on the right hand.  Many Greek women wear their ring on the left hand while engaged, moving it to the right hand after they are married.

*Why does a bride carry a handkerchief?

Not all brides do, but if a bride chooses to, it will be a lucky sign.  Early farmers thought a bride's wedding day tears were lucky and brought rain for their crops.  Later, a crying bride meant that she'd never shed another tear about her marriage.  Today's brides embroider their initials and wedding date on a lovely hanky, then pass it on to the next woman in the family to marry.

*Why rice and old shoes?

In the Orient, rice means, "May you always have a full pantry".  In other cultures, it is a symbol of fertility.  Today, rice remains a token of a life of plenty.

A red slipper thrown onto the roof of a house, indicates that a honeymoon is in progress.  Among early Hebrews, sandals were often exchanged as evidence of good faith in the sale of property.  Today, throwing a shoe after the bride or tying shoes to the back of the couple's car signifies the recognition of a new family unit.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Some Thoughts on Enclosure Cards

We help many brides with their paper trousseaus and have a wide selection and variety of wedding papers and accessories that can help to make your wedding invitations uniquely yours.  Brides we assist have lots of questions about those print items as they work to create a unified look and feel for their upcoming wedding celebration.  We are delighted to assist and advise our brides on invitations and other items that will compliment their wedding look, and we answer questions!  Some brides will say, "I want to include a card that tells guests where I am registered."  Others will say "We don't want/need gifts.  We are trying to buy a house and prefer money over gifts.  I want an insert card to let guests know."

Our response is careful not to offend the bride, but it is advice firmly given:  "an invitation to a wedding is just that...an invitation for guests to share with the couple and their families, a celebration of the marriage.  It is not a solicitation for gifts."In fact, it is entirely possible that a guest could come to your wedding gift-less!  You have invited the person(s) to help you witness and celebrate.  If they bring (or send) a gift - that is lovely.  If they can't or don't, you still welcome them.  A gift is their choice, not yours.

You register for gifts for the convenience of your guests.  Just because you have done so doesn't mean that each guest must abide by your choices.  A registry is really your attempt to "help" your guests who feel inclined to provide a gift.

Since Bridal Registries began in the 1920s, guest have been able to find out where the couple has registered simply by asking family members or attendants.  Now with the easy access to the Web, guests can go on line and access the bride's wedding site and find out the bridal registry.  Either way, the information guests need, is easily accessible.  Don't send enclosure cards listing your registry choice.

Likewise with requests for cash.  It isn't done!  Don't include it with or on your invitations.  Guests can find that out the same way they discover registry choices.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Memorable Wedding Photos

If most brides were asked what they would save after a disaster like a fire or flood or hurricane, chances are they would say photographs and many would specify wedding photographs.  For something that important it makes sense to take steps before the wedding to insure those photos and videos are special.

Choose your photographer (and videographer) carefully.  You will view the work of many.  You've gotten recommendations from friends.  You've sought references.  You will have discussed his/her style of photography and made sure he or she had the flexibility to shoot the wedding that way you wish to have it done.  To insure that what you want happens as you want it, take steps to increase the likelihood of a positive outcome by developing your own contract or by reading closely the terms of the one the photographer offers.

Some thoughts for inclusion:

• ·         Be sure to give your photographer a list of people and events you specifically want captured.  (Be careful not to script the shots so closely that the "must have" list you provide precludes his/her ability to take advantage of candid or "can't miss" shots.  At the same time, you should feel comfortable saying NO to shots that just aren't you.

• ·         Make sure that any written agreement includes a clear statement of the package details you have selected.

• ·         Be sure you are clear on the photographer's copy right policy.  Read it carefully.  Make sure that you are clear about posting any photos you wish to your website or that you can email photos to family and friends.

• ·         It wouldn't hurt to have the name and number of any backup photographer who would be available in an emergency.

• ·         You will want the date that proofs will be available and how long you may keep them.

• ·         You will want to know how long the photographer will keep negatives.

• ·         You will want reorder pricing.

• ·         You will want confirmation in writing of deposit amount required and total cost and payment due dates.

• ·         If yours will be a large wedding, check to make sure that your photographer has an assistant along to arrange group photos and assist with special lighting needs.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Dressing the Groom

While the bride usually purchases THE GOWN for HER DAY, most grooms choose to rent their wedding apparel from a well respected and well known men's formalwear specialist.  Most grooms will find their best selection and service at a retailer known to or affiliated with the store where the bride found her dream gown.  Having one consultant can give the couple the confidence to know that the wedding party will be well fitted and dressed for that special day.

Because most couples want all the men in the wedding party  (with the possible exception of the groom,) to wear matching tuxes with the same shirts, same ties, same vests, it makes sense to select a vendor who can provide all of the members of the party with the sizes, colors and styles and accessories chosen.

A formalwear specialist will have a wide variety of styles and formality available.  They will have samples of the latest looks available for try on and sizing.

A good formalwear shop or retailer will have trained staff on hand to take and record measurements to ensure an excellent fit.  They will encourage the groom and best man to work closely with the male attendants to insure that they get in to be properly sized in a timely manner. 

 They will urge members of the wedding party to pick up their tuxes well in advance of the wedding to insure that there will be time to complete any last minute size adjustments.  

The formalwear specialist you select should have experience in sizing and selecting tuxedos for wedding parties whose groomsmen are athletes or fitness buffs or are otherwise big and/or tall men.  Not all styles worn by the "average" man will work well on bigger groomsmen.  The best formalwear retailer will advise on which styles will flatter all members of the wedding party.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Friends and Attendants

Selecting your attendants for your wedding can be an easy choice for some but for others, an agony of indecision.  If you are planning a small intimate wedding with only the sister of the bride and the brother of the groom in attendance, it couldn't be simpler.

If however, your dream is to have all of your close personal friends with you at the altar, there are some issues you may face.  Cost is one!  If the bride wants all of her sorority sisters in the wedding but the groom doesn't even know that many people he would ask, there's a potential problem.  Some choices need to be made.  

It is very likely you will have to make concessions when finalizing your wedding party.  Keep these ideas in mind as you complete your choices.

• ·         Before you start naming names, the bride and groom must agree on quantity.  Each of them should have a potential list of candidates for attendants.  Let's say your list contains 8 names.  If you agree on five attendants each then you each take the top three on each list and slot them in.  Next you alternate choices.  It doesn't mean one person gets all his or her top choices, but they each get some.

• ·         Ignore the old formula that said the number of bridesmaids a bride should have was one for every 45-50 guests.  Have as many as you can afford without looking like opposing softball teams at the altar.

• ·         If you are searching for a way to let someone know how much you'd like her to be a bridesmaid but can't - make her an honorary attendant.  Ask her to be your personal attendant.  Ask her to handle the guest book and be an official hostess.  Make sure she has a corsage.

• ·         If you have two best friends and don't want to decide between them, ask them both to share maid/matron of honor duties.  If your older sister is married and your younger sister is not - you have a matron of honor and a maid of honor.    The married attendant stands next to the bride during the ceremony and manages her train and veil at the altar and holds her flowers.  The maid of honor holds the groom's ring and any specialized readings, prayers or special ceremonial items.  Both of them would give reception speeches.  Both would receive special attendant gifts.  They can be dressed identically or choose gowns with minor adjustments.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Giving Gifts

With wedding season in full swing, we frequently hear questions about gift giving.  Guests at multiple weddings in a year want to know answers to their questions:  How much should one spend and how should one give it?

Most experts agree on a couple of things:  

1. The closer the guest is to the bride or groom, the more one is expected to give and

2. Do not give more than you can afford just because of those expectations.

Lots of wedding advice comes from the "cost-of-the-meal" tradition of gift- giving.  This just means that guests give a gift roughly equivalent to what it cost to host them.  But advice from The Knot.com, says "location and cost of the reception should not be the burden of the guest."  Instead, consider using these guidelines suggested by the website:  "A distant relative of the bride or groom or a co-worker should give $75-$100:  a friend or closer relative should give $100-$125: a closer relative, up to $150."  That advice includes cash gifts and gift items.

However, having offered those guidelines, there are other elements to consider.  If one has to spend a lot to get to the wedding, spending at the lower level should be considered.  Whenever possible/feasible, purchasing items from the couple's gift registry sites is best.  

If a person has financial obstacles to consider, he/she can offer hand -made gifts or framed photos or make a charitable donation in the name of the bride and groom.

It is important to remember that as a guest, you are invited to witness an important event in the couple's life and to celebrate that event with them.  There is no obligation to give a gift.  Also, there is no obligation to honor a couple's request for cash only gifts nor does one have to honor what one couple requested in an enclosure that directed the respondent to "check the box for where you want your cash gift to go - to cover champagne on the plane or in the suite at the hotel or the limo or at dinner".  One guest faced with those options, decided to "send just a congratulations card.  There is no etiquette today that defines how crass our society has become."

WEDDING NOTES™ - Guest Replies

When selecting items for one's paper trousseau, very few brides neglect to order reply cards and envelopes.  These have become "essentials" when attempting to calculate the number of guests to expect at the reception.

However, having sent them out with the invitation package, know that there will always be a number of guests who never bother to reply.  Your choice is to go with some industry average that calculates that up to 10% of invited guests won't attend and won't let you know they aren't coming so you can plan accordingly or you may wish to contact those "silent" guests directly and ask if they are planning to attend.

Some brides elect to make the calls themselves, others involve their mothers in the contacts or the groom's mother as well. As Martha Stewart says, "Once the R.S.V.P. deadline printed on the reply card is come and gone, you are well within bounds to start reaching out to tardy invitees."

When you do call, keep the message short and sweet.  Martha suggests these words:  "I wanted to be sure you got our wedding invitation.  I need to get the final numbers to my caterer this week, and we'd love to know whether we'll be seeing you there."

We know that some brides-to-be are considering a "B-list" of invited guests.  We don't condone that practice but know that it happens.  Some advice:  If you are planning to use this approach, we offer these considerations:  Most people will figure out they are "second-tier" guests when the invitation comes to them two weeks before the wedding date.  If you are determined to use a second round of invitations, at least be strategic about it and up the dates when your invitations go out.  Send your first round of invitations out up to 10 weeks in advance and set the R.S.V.P. to at least 5 weeks before the wedding date.  Once regrets start coming in, you can still get a few invitations out to names on the B-List if you are determined to do so.