WEDDING NOTES™ - Mom and the Guest List

Sound scary?  It shouldn't be!  As the mother-of-the-bride remember the one most important rule that describes your role in your daughter's upcoming nuptials.  The most important job you have is to make things easier for the bride. Establishing the guest list is a critical part of wedding planning and being there to help your daughter plan THE list should make things easier for her.

Once the wedding budget has been established and the maximum number of guest that it can support determined, your role in helping her plan the guest list means walking a fine line between the "musts" and the "shoulds".  Your daughter will be well aware of that distinction since she has a guest list of her own in mind.  And then there is the groom's family wishes to consider.  Your advice can make it easier.  Here are some options.

Once the budgeted number of guests has been determined, it can be as simple (and fair) as dividing the total by 3.  If your daughter is planning on (budgeting for) 150 guests, her family gets 50, the groom’s family gets 50 and the bride and groom get 50 together.

As the bride's mother, you can propose your guest list.  In fact, make two lists - one for the "musts" and one for the "shoulds".  The "must list" includes grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and other of your closest relatives.  The "shoulds" list would include the names of those friends you'd love to include if you could.  Suggest that the groom's family and the couple do the same.  Once the three separate lists are merged, you can see where adjustments must be made.

If the first cut at the guest list exceeds the budgeted number, something has to give.  Either the budget grows or the guest list is cut.  Managing the guest list seems like the best solution.  If it's the bride's family list that is over the count, many brides choose to make the cut at lst cousins.  All extended family members just can't be asked to attend.  It becomes mom's job to explain that to relatives in her best diplomatic style.

Another option for controlling the list would be to watch out for "plus ones" - allowing single wedding guests to bring dates to the wedding.  Etiquette books generally state that only married and/or engaged couples be allowed to bring their partners.  But sometimes real life gets in the way.

The bottom line - the bride's input on the list should be the most important.  After offering your input, the bride should have the final decision.  Your role is not to dominate the guest list.  Be as supportive as you can of her final decisions.