WEDDING NOTES™ - The Bride, The Gown and MOM

TV shows have done a great disservice to brides by broadcasting programs that show a bride entering a salon with her "entourage".  While it may make for good TV, it doesn't make for wonderful shopping.

Most brides and moms would advise others not to miss the opportunity to shop for THE GOWN together.  Just you two. Leave the grandmothers and aunts and full bridesmaid contingent home. It can be a wonderful experience for both the mom and her daughter.  But know that it can also be disappointing if the bride is expecting support for her choices and mom can't/won't give it.  As one expert said, "The bride may look for mom's approval, but she's doing it because she's nervous about the choice, not because she wants mom to choose for her."

What should mom do if her daughter truly loves a gown she doesn't particularly care for?  Stop and think about her reasons for not liking it.  Maybe it's not her taste in gowns.  If a mom is tailored and the daughter more flamboyant, it's likely that they'll disagree but it is up to mom to realize that it's not her gown, it's her daughter's.  The bride has a style of her own and she wants the gown to reflect who she is.  Mom can offer thoughts which support her preference but in the end, it is the bride's choice.

Mom can offer comments around these topics:

• ·         Seasonality - is it the right dress for a summer wedding or a beach wedding?

• ·         Cut - is it too tight or too low?  But be careful how this is said. You both want the bride to look her best on this important day.  Does the gown emphasize the bride's best features?

• ·         Comfort - will the bride be able to sit, move, dance and bend in the gown?

• ·         Budget - is it in line with what the bride's budget projected?

• ·         Alterations - be supportive of any changes the bride would like.  Remember that a good seamstress can work wonders.  Expect that some adjustments will need t be made.  Unless one is having a gown custom made, alterations are usual.

Handled correctly - with sensitivity and genuine affection for the bride on her big day, this shopping experience can and should be a special and memorable time for mom and her daughter.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Gown Shopping Tips

Shopping for your wedding gown can be either a wonder filled experience or it can be a dreaded encounter.  Your mind set before you begin will make all the difference.  Here are some tips from experts that will help make your shopping for THE DRESS easier and satisfying.

1.  Know your wedding budget and how much you allocated for the gown and don't be tempted to overspend.  Establish a realistic budget and communicate that to the consultant who is helping you.  There are plenty of beautiful gowns well within the reach of most bride's finances.

2.  It's really true that many brides fall in love with the first dress they try on.  It isn't luck.  It's the result of being clear about what you have in mind and communicating that to the consultant who is helping you.  She knows her stock and is expert in evaluating a bride's silhouette so she can select a gown or gowns that are likely to look fabulous on you.

3.  Be aware that alterations are not a bad word.  The gowns you try on and love will be close to perfect on you, but some nips or tucks may be necessary for perfect fit.  Bodies can change between the date you order your gown and the date you come for your first fitting.  A skilled seamstress will make those minor adjustments so that its fit is comfortable and right.

4.  Be selective in inviting friends to shop with you.  In spite of what those TV shows indicate, the average bride does not bring a room full of relatives and friends with her to select her gown.  In fact, an unedited group will give you a headache and add stress to the event.  Very few bridal salons are set up to handle a large group and will gently suggest that when you call for an appointment that you tightly control the number of "guests" who will share your wedding gown shopping experience.  The store's professionals know what they are talking about, so listen.

5.  When you find THE DRESS, stop looking!  Too many brides think that if they don't look at every dress within a 10 mile radius, they haven't done their job.  Sometimes mothers will insist that the bride shop every store in a trading area "just to be sure".  Most consultants will tell you that route will only result in confusion and more stress.  You've found the dress.  It is everything you like.  It's in your budget.  You like the consultant and the store.  What else is there?

6.  The best plan is to work with an experienced consultant in a well-known independent bridal retail salon.  She will have the experience and reputation to help you find the perfect dress and to insure its timely delivery for your wedding.  Beware of online shopping for your important wedding gown.  The horror stories that brides who bought from a photo from an unknown retailer will scare you.  Always shop from someone whose reputation for excellence is well known.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Ways to Manage Your Wedding Budget

You do have a budget established don't you?  If not - stop right now and seriously work on it.

Establishing a budget and sticking to it will help you organize, produce and deliver a wedding that is beautiful and yours.  On the offside chance that you've gone over that budget in some area (s) here are some tips from experts on places to trim those costs.

1. The guest list.  The number of people you invite to your wedding will contribute to a major component of expense - the cost per guest measure.  It is reflected in the cost of food, beverages, invitations, reception site and postage.  One way to control those costs is to carefully watch the number of "plus ones" you allow.  The basic rule is a simple one:  If couples aren't married, "plus ones" are optional invitees for the bride and groom.  The same rule should apply to the bridal party and guests.  If a member of the party or a relative has a long term significant other you may wish to make an exception to the rule but it should be done on a case-by-case basis.
   
2.  Feeding the band.   If your dream is to have a band play for your wedding dance in place of recorded music, one place you can save some green is in what to feed the band.  Yes,  not only will the band members be counting on grabbing a bite to eat before they play or something nourishing between sets - or both.  But you don't need to offer them the same sit down dinner you are serving your guests.  Ask your caterer to provide a less expensive (and easier to handle) alternative.  If you are holding your reception at a large facility with in house food service, order something from the standard menu to be served to band members before they play and include water/soft drinks for them during their play time.
   
3.  There is no rule that says you need to have an open bar for guests at your reception.  In fact, you can serve only beer, wine and punch or other non alcoholic beverage at your cocktails before dinner.  Some couples have a signature cocktail as an additional surprise for guests, but no open bar will save you beaucoup bucks.  Remember that it is your reception and if you don't want alcohol served, that's fine.  You get to decide what you'll serve.  Most experts will agree that having a cash bar is a definite no-no.  Guests are guests.  That means that they don't have to pay.

WEDDING NOTES™ - I should have----.

As you become totally immersed in the plans for your wedding take some time to think about what really matters in the long run.  Try to maintain some perspective on the upcoming event.  Here's what some brides have said after it was all over.

1.   I wish I had paid more attention to everything going on around me.  I was so focused on the details that I forgot to really notice who was there and to appreciate the fact that they came to help us celebrate this special day in our lives.

2.  I wish I had focused on the reality of what was happening that day.  I got married to my best friend!  That is huge.  In light of that realization, who cares that the caterer forgot to put out my pink printed cocktail napkins and used plain white bar napkins.

3.  I dreamed of and hoped for an absolutely PERFECT day.  Somethings did go wrong.  They weren't major and only my mom and I knew it.  We never mentioned it that day but have laughed about it after.  She was wise enough to know that in spite of detailed lists, something would be out of our control.  Neither the altar boys nor the ushers thought to light the candles on the altar.  Oh well.  I didn't see it until I got to the altar.

4.  I nearly forgot that the most important person at that wedding was my new husband.  Sure I was disappointed that some guests were unable to come, but what mattered was that I was there and so was he.

5.  Know that the day will go by quickly.  I spent months preparing for this day and when the celebrations came to an end, I couldn't believe it was all over.  I should have known that it would just fly by.  If I had it to do over, I'd pay more attention to everything and everyone, and reconsider hiring a wedding planner or coordinator.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Your Wedding Photographs

Most brides consider their wedding photos to be among their most treasured possessions.  Long after the big day is over, the photographs taken that day are looked at over and over again.  They are a formal record of a momentous day that joined two families and created a new branch.  Quite apart from what those photos represent, who doesn't want a photographic record of a day in which she looked fabulous!

For those reasons, most brides choose not to skimp on wedding photos and hire a professional photographer to capture wonderful still moments, and some a videographer to film the entire ceremony and portions of the reception for posterity.

Some areas you may wish to consider are:

• ·         A formal bridal portrait.In some areas of the country, they have never not been part of the wedding plans.  Usually taken either in the photographer's studio or in some elegant setting.  You may choose to have it be of you alone or have a formal portrait of you and your groom.These are scheduled prior to the wedding if possible.  Planning to do them the day of can add too much stress to an already packed day.

• ·         Style of photos to be taken.  Work with your photographer to outline - IN ADVANCE - the key shots you want taken.  Review the traditional bridal party shots, processional and recessional pix and standards at the reception.  If your taste runs to traditional coverage, make sure that you and the photographer agree on the shots.  If your taste is for more creative shots that require special lighting or lenses, be sure to discuss these well in advance.

• ·         Family members to include.  Be sure that the photographer (or his/her assistant) has a complete list of family members you wish to include in photographs.  You'd hate to have an album full of photos but not one picture of you with your favorite aunt or godmother or Uncle Ralph.

• ·         The role of digital.  Decide early on whether your wedding is to be "plugged in" or not.  If you don't want guests shooting photos of you getting dressed or other "candid" moments, and posting them as they are taken, you need to insist on have the ceremony be "unplugged".  You can have signage posted in the back of the church and/or printed in the programs that asks guests to refrain from taking photos before or during the ceremony.  Some couples have created a secure spot and assigned friends to collect iPhones prior to the ceremony.  Reception guidelines are far more relaxed.  In fact, many couples provide a plugged in station somewhere in the reception area recognizing that photos will be taken whether they want them or not.  Have the bridal party spread the word on your behalf.

WEDDING NOTES™ - Wedding Gifts

Gift giving has been a part of wedding lore for centuries.  They have been given to newlyweds in every culture.  But at one time, after the couple had furnished their new home, they were expected to return any practical gifts they had received at their wedding that were not in use.

Useful gifts were appreciated.  At one time, a "must have" gift for the bride was a set of finely decorated knives.  She wore them proudly sheathed and hung from a belt as part of her wedding finery.

In some areas, friends would give the couple fruit trees to plant at their new home.

And old Scandinavian tradition said that the bride must make the wedding shirt for her husband to be.  He would wear the shirt on his wedding day and then put it away.  The only other time he would wear it was when he was buried, thus reinforcing the lasting nature of marriage "until death do us part".

When to give a gift?

• Engagement party?   - No gift required.  That's because engagements used to be surprise announcements rather than planned parties.  Close friends and family may choose to give a gift to the engaged couple, but because not everyone will bring a gift, packages should be opened after - not during the party.

• Bachelorette Party? - No gift required.  Usually the bridesmaid's chip in and cover the bride's expenses for their night out.

• Bridal Shower? - Gift required if you attend.  If you don't go, no gift required.   However, family and close friends may choose to give a gift anyway.  They may have it delivered to the hostess's home before the event or sent with someone who is planning to attend.

• Weddings?– Usually, even if you aren't attending.  But it is also ok to give nothing.  According to some wedding etiquette experts the only time a gift is required is a bridal shower that you are attending.  Most people tend to give wedding gifts whether they attend or not.  The question is "how much should I spend?"  The usual guideline is to give enough to cover the price of your meal and that of your guest if you have one.  The best way to handle wedding gifts is to have them sent to the bride's home in advance of the big day.  This avoids security problems at wedding receptions that are becoming more and more of a problem.

• 2nd Wedding - No gift required, especially if you attended the first wedding and gave a gift, but most guests ignore this and bring a gift.

The one rule consultants should stress is that there should be no mention of gift giving on the wedding invitation.  The invitation's purpose is to invite friends and family to celebrate the wedding, not to solicit gifts.

WEDDING NOTES™ - It's Not My First Wedding

Well congratulations on taking the big step again.  You are in good company as the most recent data suggests that second weddings make up at least 30% of the weddings held in any given year.  And just because you've been married before doesn't mean you don't have questions about this one.

Your questions aren't new to us and we can offer advice and guidance to cover most situations in which you and your husband to be may find yourselves.  Second weddings tend to be unique depending on the circumstances.  Are there children involved?  What are your ages?  Is this a second wedding for you or for both of you?  The only "rule" you have to follow is to choose the kind of ceremony that feels right to both of you.  Leading up to that ceremony there are some accepted guidelines that you may feel comfortable following.

• ·         If there are children involved, they should be the first to hear your good news.  The way you choose to tell them should be designed to insure that they realize they are gaining another parent rather than losing the one they have.

• ·         If there are children involved, it is proper to inform your former spouse of your plans.

• ·         If it is the bride's second marriage, the traditional formal announcement is not made.  If it is the bride's first marriage and the groom's second, then a formal announcement IS made.

• ·         If it is the bride's second marriage, a semi formal or informal wedding is usually chosen.  An exception is made if the bride did not have a large formal wedding the first time or if this is the first time wedding for the groom.

• ·         If you are planning a small ceremony with only a few close relatives and friends in attendance, you needn't send printed invitations.  If the ceremony will be a large one, printed invitations are expected.

• ·         Increasing in popularity is a small intimate wedding for family and close friends, followed by a much larger celebratory formal reception.  In this case you would send a formal invitation to those invited to the reception with a small enclosure card for the ceremony to those who are invited to both.